Public opinion strongly supports informal and familial adoptions that are deeply rooted in historical and cultural contexts. The overwhelming positive sentiment highlights the tradition where relatives or close family friends assume caregiving roles without formal legal documentation, reinforcing community responsibility and support during crises.

Global Communities

Families impacted by COVID-19

Yes, absolutely. If there was a relative nearby who could take in their sibling's children, that's how it was more often done. If the orphans are, say, in Oregon and the relatives were back east, however, they would likely have been placed either with friends of the original family or in an orphanage.

MmeLaRue

My great grandma was expected to die in the Spanish flu epidemic; Grandpa and his family had figured out who to farm out the kids to before she recovered, she was that sick. 

There was no talk about adoption, just who would take the kids.

Clean_Factor9673

It's definitely a possibility. My grandpa was orphaned at three during that same time period and went to live with an aunt. There was nothing legal ever done. It was simply family taking in family. 

EhlersDanlosSucks

While my maternal family was fleeing the Old Country in 1917, they acquired a starving toddler. Orphaned or abandoned, no one knew. So they took him with them. 

Wandered around Europe for a while, regrouped in France, and emigrated to the US in 1921. Their entry paperwork simply presents him as my great-grandmother’s youngest child.

Until children started needing proof of identity and parentage for things like school and social security and health insurance, a lot of adoptions were informal. (Look up baby farming.) (Or the orphan trains.)

Families would send children to family members who could give them better opportunities- access to jobs, better education, food, etc- or to get them out of bad situations. People who couldn’t afford their children sometimes sold them. Babies born out of wedlock were raised by family members without anyone ever knowing.

MedievalMousie

Not uncommon at all. My wife's cousin was actually raised by her mom's sister. No records. No adoption. No birth certificate. It was a family "secret".

NoAge358

This was definitely a strong possibility in many parts of the US.

booksiwabttoread

Just adding to the "very possible" chorus. My great-grandmother's oldest sister b. 1902 was actually a cousin raised by my great-great-grandparents after her mother's death. She's recorded in an early census with them under her birth surname, but later uses her uncle's name. Her marriage certificate lists her adopted name as a maiden name, but her correct biological parents. Her younger cousins all considered her a sister, and vice-versa, and she was an aunt to my grandmother until she died in her 80s. (I'm not sure what was on her death certificate.)

My grandmother was careful to point her out when I started researching because she didn't want me to assume illegitimacy as the reason she had an aunt who was born before her parents' marriage 100 years after the fact!

lolabythebay

Have you been able to find out what happened to the parents during her lifetime? Were they poor? Did she die near where she was born? If you can fill out the story it might help figure out why she was taken on by her uncle. But yes, holistic adoptions were very common, and widow/ers marrying their dead spouses siblings wasn't uncommon either. A man needs a maid, and for women it's because often we were legally/financially unable to thrive alone, and both situations had to be rectified ASAP.

Mossy-Mori

Fairly common. One of my great-uncles showed his grandfather's name on his death certificate instead of his father; the father died when the boys were young and they were raised by their grandfather. 

Unrecorded adoptions could happen between close friends too, especially in the absence of relatives. This *might* be the case with my "brick wall" great-grandmother since she was in an unrecorded adoption and I've so far been unable to find any connection with the surname my great-grandmother *believed* she was born with (not sure if it's right or not) and her adoptive parents.

WISE_bookwyrm

The death certificate isn't filled out by the deceased.

bros402

Not uncommon but much more likely is the person filling out the d/c did not know the father’s name. Confused with name of uncle. Most likely explanation in my decades of experience.

questors

My wife’s grandmother babysat two children about 70 years ago, and eventually their mother stopped coming to pick them up. My wife’s grandparents took them in and raised them. They even used the grandparents’ last name all of their lives. There was never any official adoption, and the two children and the biological children grew up closer than most true siblings.

davezilla00

eloiseviolet

WWI broke out just two years later, is there a chance the UK just lost the record during the war?

gothiclg

My great grandfather and his brother were taken care of by other family members.  I've never found adoption papers for either of them and their death certificates list different parents.  Near as we can tell, these were the families who took them in.

ExtremaDesigns

It’s possible. My 2x great grandma was raised as her grandparents daughter and with her birth mum as her “sister” 🤷🏻‍♀️

CatsMoustache

Absolutely, yes. And often. If a family could not care for a child, another family member might step in. A child born out of wedlock (I hate that phrase; is there a better one?) might often go to a couple who didn't have children or only had 1 or 2. Grandparents often adopted. No court, or paperwork, involved.

theothermeisnothere

Yes it’s not uncommon. Sadly a parent dying whilst a child was young, not having the means to support them or being too ill was something lots of families had to cope with

idontlikemondays321

Yes, this did happen. I had one in 1906 who, according to family stories, was the product of an affair. The mother's husband then adopted him.  This was verified in the 1910 census, where relationship to head of household said, "adopted son". There was no birth certificate at that time, no adoption record and no court record that I could find. I had another one in 1870 where both parents had died, leaving 6 children. The probate record just said the children were taken in by various families in the town. The father's former employer was listed as their legal guardian.

geomouchet

Definitely.  

Sometimes it wasn't  even family, just a close family friend or neighbor.  I've got at least one of those in my tree.

Sometimes the intention may have been to come back for or send for the child, because  the birth family was migrating, once they were settled and something happened that they never did.

WolfSilverOak

I'm not an expert, but this definitely happened on both sides of my dad's family.

My grandmother had an older, illegitimate half sister that was informally adopted by grandmother's aunt. In various census editions, she's listed as that Aunt's child, or their niece.

My grandfather's birth certificate lists his correct birth mother, but his social security documents and his marriage license list his stepmother as his mother.

californiahapamama

This happened within my own tree. Baby born in 1925, mother died a few days later. Father was still alive but relatives took the baby anyway. Raised as their own.

Blackberry-Turtle

It happened in my family. A boy is born in 1905 to a  young woman and her husband. She dies, the husband cuts out, and the baby is raised by its aunt and uncle.

There was never any adoption. His parent’s names are on his birth certificate. However, the aunt and uncle present him as their own son and give him their surname, which he uses all his life. I have no idea how he lived and never needed any ID, because he never had anything linking him with the name he had been given. I’m still trying to figure it out and can’t find his death certificate.

FranceBrun

Yes. In NZ Maori culture this would be considered a *whāngai*  adoption. I'm sure this happened in a lot of other cultures too.

squirrelwuirrel

It’s always been, still is, around the world, and always will be. 

In Samoa having children is considered so crucial that infertile couples will have siblings that have a child and give it to their infertile sibling to register the birth. No adoption record at all, just a birth certificate listing the adoptive parents. I have nieces and nephews in their 20s and 30s from this. 

I have an ‘aunt’ who is actually my cousin from this. Her birth mom had tuberculosis and spent her early years in sanitarium recovering so my grandparents fostered. After 12 years of fostering with no return they formalized the adoption.
It’s very common for family to step in for all sorts of reasons.

Viva_Veracity1906

My great great grandmother had six daughters. Her sister desperately wanted a child but couldn't have one. So my gggm gave her one of her daughters to raise.

lina303

Yes.. happened relatively often. For all sorts of reasons

Naive-Beekeeper67

I don’t know if that’s what happened in this particular case, but it definitely happened. Others have covered the illegitimate/early pregnancies and infertile family members raising a child, but another thing I’ve seen is when the kid isn’t strictly an orphan.

That is, a parent (usually the mother) dies when the kid is an infant/toddler. Sometimes the dad remarries, sometimes he doesn’t. Another family member (most often, one of the mother’s siblings) raises the kid as their own. Censuses will sometimes label the kid as niece/nephew or adopted child, but some just say child.  

That was the case for my step-grandma’s Mom. Her mother’s sister raised her after her Mom died less than a year after her birth. Her father remarried and had kids with the new wife, but either her stepmother didn’t want to raise her or her aunt and uncle didn’t want to give her up. Her aunt and uncle are named in place of her dad in the newspaper announcement for her wedding.

Honestly, I think this only became less common when sulfa drugs and antibiotics made childbirth and the puerperal period less dangerous. 

GenealogyDataNerd

Not enough information.  Where i live it could be the wrong person, an error on the death certificate (uncle could be providing info) or wrong name provided,

jibberishjibber

ididreadittoo

Yes. For example, the mother of my 2nd cousin had a child out of wedlock. Her mother raised the child as her own and his siblings believed, for years, that he was their uncle.

ArtfulGoddess

Happened in my tree. 1918 flu took out 2G Grandma, her two oldest daughters, both of their spouses and an infant in short order. Next oldest daughter took in her baby brother (my great grandfather) and her orphaned niece. She formally adopted a son later on too but never had biological children. I don’t believe she adopted my great grandfather or her niece- but according to the census records they lived with her. 

Found it out while investigating a name I did not recognize on my great grandfather’s death certificate. I found out it was the uncle that raised him who was the last to see him alive. So that was a tragic family story I stumbled upon. Lots of death in the family in a really short timeframe. 

I think it’s just what you did if you could. Does make the paper trail a bit more complicated.

NoPressure13

My mother was raised by her much older half sister after her mother left her and her younger siblings at an orphanage. Her two younger siblings were raised by a grandfather.  Nothing was official. The three siblings were born between 1935 and 1939.

Kincherk

eve2eden

An unofficial adoption occurred in my tree. It's also the backstory to how my great-grandparents got together as uncle and niece. 

I'll use their names to avoid confusion.
Dora Tegmeier contracted pneumonia when she was 9 and died from it. She was the oldest of 4 girls. Their mother Anna (Krueger) Tegmeier, the oldest of 13 Krueger children, took care of Dora and contracted it as well dying a few weeks later. It wasn't "normal" in the 1910s for single fathers to raise children so their father Edward Tegmeier dropped the other 3 girls (Helen, Martha, and Mabel) with Anna's parents, August and Frederike. When Helen was 18, she was sent to move in with her uncle Walter Krueger, the middle child of the 13, and help him with his farm/homestead who was 9 years older than she was. About 10 ish years later, my granduncle was born in 1938. Then 3 years later my grandpa in 1941. Helen stayed with one of Walter's older sisters Freda (Krueger) and her husband Clarence during both pregnancies and it was agreed upon that they would raise the boys. They weren't officially adopted by Freda and Clarence until about 15-17 years later according to letters and forms found in my grandpa's dresser. 1940 census lists granduncle Archie (Arthur) as Arthur Tegmeier, nephew of Freda and Clarence. 1950 shows the boys listed as Archie Tegmeier Gilbert and Gary Tegmeier Gilbert, sons of Freda and Clarence. They weren't formally adopted till the late 50s.

WaffleQueenBekka

Another weird unofficial adoption story: My great grandmother was one of five children.  When her baby brother had scarlet fever (I think), she, at three or four, was unofficially adopted by her two childless aunts (sisters, not a couple).  She never moved home again, and while her birth certificate wasn't changed, in all the written references, she and her previous siblings are referred to as "cousins" to each other, not siblings.

SaltMarshGoblin

Another friend of mine’s father  died and the 4 kids were sent to orphanage so mother could work. She remarried but stepfather would let her take the kids “ home “ until
They were old enough to do work on the farm.

Head_Staff_9416

There certainly were records in the US before 1927- but it will vary by place- records before 1920 are unlikely to sealed. I have a friend whose grandmother was adopted by her aunt and uncle about 1890- and she has the papers. One sister had 8 kids and the other sister never had children , so one was adopted. The adoptive family were very wealthy so I think it was formalized for inheritance purposes. But I am sure there were a lot of informal relative adoptions.

Adoptive parent here who respects and supports First Family rights.  Please check if your state gives open adoption agreements legal standing- if not, any adoptive parents can agree to anything the ghost the First Family. If your state won't enforce them, ask your agency if there is any other way to have a legally enforceable contact agreement. Also: our agreement only covered the first 2 years- after that it was up to us to  navigate and honor this relationship. If your state does give open adoption agreements legal standing,  what period do they cover- 0 to age 2 or 0 to age 18,  or some other period? Ask the hopeful adoptive parents what they know about open adoption. Have they ever known someone in an open adoption? Ask them what they see an open adoption looking like- letters and photos? Texts and photos? Phone  calls and video calls? Regular in-person visits or mainly special occasions? Note that even folks who love the idea of open adoption will warm up to the actual in-person implementation as time goes by. There is the basic human fear that a dream come true adopted child might somehow  be taken away and the dream will become a nightmare. There is also the worry that talking about our happiness will cause further hurt to the First Family. Note: These feelings are NOT an excuse or reason to skip open adoption or nor honor an agreement! Our son's amazing Mommy M is brutally honest and makes it easy to be that way with her, too. That has really helped us talk about what she wants to hear and not, how she feels. (Note: contact was mainly with Grandma until very recently.) Whether you decide to parent to make an adoptive placement, I wish you peace.♥️

Elmosfriend

I would ask them about the child’s name.  Are you naming the child and expect them to keep it?  Are they naming the child something completely different on their own?  If you have strong convictions about this, this should be discussed up front.

If this is a transracial adoption, I would ask for specifics like who exactly they know that is the race of your child, how often they’re around them, what their elementary school’s  demographics are like as far as diversity.

Then the rest would be based around your motivations for adoption.  What are their plans if one or both pass away?  Do they see themselves relocating to a different state or across the country?

If I were an EM, I think the biggest thing I would look for is the PAP’s that are fulfilling their fantasy with your child.  Do they sound like they understand adoption or do they just want to be parents because they’re infertile?  Infertility is often a motivation for adoption, but professionally, I saw that a lot of couples wanted a baby, any baby, and adoption is so much more than that.

_whentherearenine_

Make sure that the couple you are choosing live close enough so that visits are not a hardship on either of you. This is not for the initial chat, but I recommend making sure that the agency or lawyer are not the keepers of the openness in your adoption and that you have all the contact information of the prospective parents. If they will not trust you with their full address and phone numbers, do not entrust them with your child.

"  I'm hoping for an arrangement where the child gets to decide when and how we communicate " Openness in adoption is an adult decision. It's too much of a burden for the child to be in charge of when and how communication happens. Children shouldn't be involved in adult decisions.

Make sure they have the same values as you. How do they feel about the current political climate. How do they feel about education. How are their relationships with extended family. That sort of thing.

Englishbirdy

Adoptive parent here. The best advice we received during the adoption process was to not make promises we weren't willing to keep. For us, that's meant keeping to our agreement over number of visits per year and keeping in communication (first through letters and now through phones calls and Facebook updates). Almost 10 years in and this year is the first year we haven't made plans to visit her birth family because of the pandemic.

nakedreader_ga

I would ask about their expectations for the baby. Are they going to mold the child towards a goal, or support interests as they develop? What age do they expect the child to help out with chores? For the child to move out? Will they support them to go to college? Do they plan for the child to be an only child?

Just some thoughts. I hope this goes well and that you are at peace with whatever the outcome is.

ltlbrdthttoldme

[This](https://www.reddit.com/r/Adoption/comments/g2c3uy/im_considering_adoption_birthmother_but_i_dont/fnmrjjr/) is my blanket advice for expectant parents who are considering adoption. It covers a lot and mentions agencies quite a bit, but anything that applies to an agency can be applied to hopeful adoptive parents (ex the kind of words they use).

Overall what I would recommend the most is being very cautious. If a situation sounds too good to be true or you and the HAPs disagree on something very important to you, stop and evaluate all of the information that you have. Sometimes HAPs will say absolutely anything to get expectant parents to choose them. In other situations, big disagreements can cause rifts in the relationship and problems over time.

Big red flags would be HAPs that call you a birthparent immediately (you are an expectant parent/parent), want to rush things, pressuring you in any way, or immediately start acting as though **your** child belongs to them.

I'm heading to bed so I don't have a ton of time to comment right now, but feel free to ask me any questions you may have! I'm a birthmom and my son was placed 10 years ago.

Edit: Now that I've woken up, my ex and I reached out via email (with consent) to all the HAPs we were considering. We (mostly me) had put together a list of tough questions, starting with things that were very important to us and including other questions based on each couple's profile. Big stuff included things like how they felt about LGBT rights &amp; how they would react if their child came out (which we also asked LGBT couples) and how they felt about religion, while the personalized questions were things like if they planned to get any pets or what their relationships are like with their families.

I wish I knew more about adoption, how it could affect my child, and how it would affect me. I wish I had know more about open adoptions because I'm very bitter and jealous about the relatively closed nature of my son's open adoption. I get much more than many people, but it hurts seeing what could have been with true openness. I would **strongly** recommend learning as many adoptees' and birthparents' stories as you can.

[deleted]

I would ask them about their philosophy on open adoption. You want to gauge whether they're agreeing to it reluctantly because they feel obliged (and may try to back out in later years) or truly embrace openness and are enthusiastic about maintaining contact. Good luck

ShesGotSauce

Maybe think of disciplinary actions? How do they wanna raise this baby, are they gonna tell them they are loved, are they gonna hit the kid when they do something wrong, do they plan on reading to the kid at night, where do they plan on taking the kid to school? It’s just things that you might like to know. Maybe something about pets or something as well, and maybe even how they thjnm about future kids. 

Something I personally think is important is, what if the parents divorce, would they keel the childs interest in mind or drag them around everywhere?

Of course it’s jo longer in your control, but at least it’s something you’ll know up front if they’ve thought about it.

Future adoptive parent (in the middle of the home study process right now) for an older child here. There are a lot of different ways potential parents approach adoption, and it is important for you to really get an idea of their why. 
Why are they choosing adoption?
Why now? 
Why are they agreeable to an open adoption?

From there, ask about how they were raised, and what their parenting styles are. Ask about their extended families. Are they involved in their lives? How do they feel about their decision to adopt? What are their thoughts on open adoption? 

Ask about their knowledge of trauma, as this is important for everyone to know (in general, but also because this is a big damn deal for everyone). 

***Ask them what an open adoption means to them*** This can look different to different people, and you’ll want to make sure that you’re on the same page. If they think an open adoption means they are involved in the pregnancy but all contact stops after, and you are planning to remain involved through holidays, visits, phone calls, etc., there is already an issue. 

Most importantly, trust your intuition. Trust and follow your gut. 

Wishing you the best through this process.

spanishpeanut

I’d ask as many difficult questions as you can think of.  

I also would watch their reactions very closely to how they felt about regular visits (you don’t have to visit 4x a year, but I think that option should be available to you), what would they do if the child showed signs of a disability a few years after birth, not keeping the adoption a secret, how supportive/unsupportive their extended families are, are they willing to pay for therapy for you for the next 2-4 years, how do they think they would react if the child grew up with a complete 180 degree political view from theirs, how would they react if the child came out gay or trans, what will they tell the child about their origin story, what financial plans do they have in place for the child (529’s, trusts, guardianship) should the child turn 18 or should the adoptive parents die before the child is an adult etc.

Their reactions could be very telling.  If they are completely on board with everything and your gut tells you that they plan on agreeing to all of the things you want wholeheartedly—get it in writing.

If they hesitate or say they need to discuss further—run.  Those will be the adoptive parents that may say whatever it is you want to hear, then not follow through with the commitment.  There are lots of people like this.  They can also appear like the ones in the prior paragraph.  You never know.

You want to find adoptive parents who will see any child they are given as a gift, a blessing.  You want adoptive parents who want this child to grow up emotionally healthy.  You want adoptive parents who will treat this child as if he/she were their own flesh and blood.  You want adoptive parents who see you as a real person with a history and feelings—and that they should care about you.

uberchelle_CA

When &amp; how are they going to tell the child they are adopted?

If you or the father have other children, or have children you raise in the future, what are they going to do to maintain (or not) the child’s relationships with their siblings?

How were they raised? How is that different or similar to how they plan to raise your child? What is their approach to discipline? What if their preferred method doesn’t work?

LiwyikFinx

A reminder of **Rule 1** and **Rule 10:**

&gt; **Rule 1.** Soliciting babies from parents considering adoption is absolutely forbidden. You will be immediately banned. 

&gt; OP: if anyone messages you asking to adopt your baby, please message the mods through [modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAdoption).

&gt; **Rule 10.** While providing information about how to evaluate an agency is allowed, recommending or discussing specific agencies is not permitted and such comments will be removed

Comments that skirt these rules will be removed at mod discretion.

chemthrowaway123456

Ask the little things too! 
Do they drink coffee or tea? 
Do they drink alcohol? 
What’s their favorite movie/ books shit like that

As a bm I asked all the big things and little but it made me feel so good that Harry Potter is able to be a part of her life. A lot of good parents are strict with a lot of things and I didn’t want that to be a part of her life.

meggleskathleen

Think about every question you ask them and how you will feel if they end up doing the exact opposite after you entrust them with your child. HAPs will lie through their teeth to get the child and then do whatever they want after all legal ends are tied up. And sadly, there is no way to tell which HAPs are being real with you and which ones are saying whatever you want to hear.

I am in forums where HAPs actively coach each other on what to promise/say so they can do the following things after finalization: change the name of the child, breastfeed the child, and limit/end contact with the birth family.

cec5ilia

I’d just like to add a few important things to the conversation:

When having a baby, be it biological or adopted, there is a lot of uncertainty regarding the future, and it’s very easy for expectant parents to have an idealized fantasy of the child they imagine when they imagine their child. For example, everytime a baby is born with down syndrome or is diagnosed with autism the parents’ reaction will usually be of shock, surprise, confusion, sadness, etc, as if they hadn’t signed up for it (they did, when you sign up for a baby, especially biological, you’re signing up for this). Whoever seeks to have a baby needs to understand this. They need to understand that having a baby, be it biological or adopted (but especially biological), means knowing that conditions such as down syndrome and autism etc are very real possibilities. The first may be apparent at birth and before, but the latter and many others are only apparent after a few years. Do they fully understand that if they have any baby, biological or adopted, that child may be diagnosed with autism? Has this ever crossed their mind? If it has, then it is a very good sign. Better yet if they have actually considered that scenario and done their research and see how they’d be able to meet the child’s needs. If it hasn’t, like happens with most parents, chances are they have a very idealized view of having a baby and are a bit disconnected from what reality may bring. I’d ask them these questions to see their reactions. Even if it hadn’t crossed their mind, watch thwir reactions and how they deal with that new question. I know one of my greatest fears if I ever was to give up a baby for adoption would be for his parents to try to “return” him 2, 4, or even 10 years later because he “is not the child we wanted”. You have to make sure they really understand the reality of parenthood, specifically having a baby, and that their head is not just filled with romanticized notions of the idealized child of their dreams. Also, their reactions to the child wanting to leave / change religion etc.

As an adoptee, I would look for potential adopters who would respect your right to give birth to your child privately.  I would ask that they do not come to the hospital; that time is for you and your child.  And I would expect them to respect that your final decision to relinquish, and who to relinquish to, will be made after the baby is born.  I would then pick three couples, and after the baby is born, tell them all you are thinking strongly of keeping the baby and see how they react.  If you still want to proceed with the adoption, pick the couple who are most supportive of your right to parent, and be wary of a$$ 💋's  This will give you an idea of how they will treat you if you want an open adoption (because if they dont respect you it will show through, I think). Your state/province has legislated the earliest that you can sign the adoption paperwork, but take your time and sign it when YOU are ready, and again, couples who won't wait don't give a hoot about you OR your child.  Also, should they refer to you as a "birthmother" prior to you giving birth and relinquishing, they are showing early signs of "putting you in your place".  Agencies also like to do this to emotionally manipulate you to feel the relinquishment is a pre-determined outcome.  This is YOUR choice right up until you sign the paperwork, not theirs.  I also suggest that you look up and keep the number for SOS (save our sisters), an organization that helps mothers who want to parent, but feel they have no choice but to give tgeir child up.  They are a group of first mothers who know how predatory adopters and agencies can be and can help you deal with any issues you may have with these parties regardless of your issues.  Please consider parenting.  Adoption legally severs your child from their family for a lifetime, which is difficult and many first mothers grow to realize that their short term issues (lack of resources) which became the impetus for adoption, end up being truly short term, while losing the relationship of parenting their own child lasts forever.  Also, your child wants YOU much more than a stranger who is better resourced, the need for our own mother is strong and natural.  Take care.  I wish you well.

janice-1

One of my friends is a birth mom and is always open to questions and has a wonderful relationship with the adoptive parents. She’s on Instagram at @annaleece.fairbanks

maddyjay16

What their retirement plans are I would say.

dawgfarts

Our daughter’s BM and biological grandmother asked us a lot of basic open-ended questions such as -
1. What led us to consider adoption
2. How we met and how long we’ve been together 
3. Our education background and interests in school 
4. What our childhoods were like
5. What kind of discipline we grew up with and how we intend to handle discipline with our children 
6. What kind of social support system we have ie. Family, friends, etc. 

It felt a little like being on a first date where their focus was on trying to get an understanding of our vibe as a couple as well as our individual personalities and interests. In talking with both of them now that our adopted daughter is nearing a year old they’ve said that everything clicked right away, that they knew right off the bat that we were supposed to be parents to our little girl. They had previously met with two other couples who they also knew right away were not who they wanted to place the child with. Trust your gut and don’t settle.

sumtimezitdo

Birth mother here. When I interviewed families 16 years ago, at the age of 15, I also wanted an open adoption. What I know now is that every person has their own definition of "open". If I were you, I would ask them what they specifically see for your involvement in the child's life. What is their comfort zone, what are their limits, etc. You and the potential parents need to be very open and honest with each other so that everyone involved has a clear understanding of everyone's expectations. That being said, you cannot control the future and feelings may change with time, you need to be okay with that. This is a really beautiful and selfless decision that you're making, and I am proud of you!

tamara808

National_Mood_1790


I'm a transracial adoptee into an all white family in a small town too. 

Extended family racists weren't racist *at* me, but around me, a lot. It's like they *saw* me as either white or agreeable because I was *family*.

I started saying, "I know you always forget this, but *I'm not white*" or "that isn't a (word or phrase or comment) I use" at the them when they said something racist, when I was in high school. 

The general reply was, "you're not ___ either" if it wasn't *about* someone Asian, or "well I didn't mean *you*" if it was. 

It was exhausting. 

When I could leave, I did. 

When I could reduce contact, I did. 

And now I'm old, and the worst ones are either dead or totally out of my life.

MsGozlyn

I’m transcultural and it’s hard for me too. My adoptive parents don’t / didn’t see my culture(s) as equal to theirs or important so I was raised totally without them. They have said some incredibly racist/bigoted things. They dressed me up as Pocahontas and tiger lily when I was little. 

I used to correct them but I realized my adoptive mom was not just saying bigoted stuff out of ignorance but malice. Like just to make me feel bad and hurt my feelings. So there was no point in trying to educate her.

I personally wasn’t able to heal until I got away from her and started my reconnection journey (to my cultures.) Ketamine therapy helped too. At this point I see them once a year. I moved closer to my biological family, across the country from my APs. That’s how I dealt with it. It’s had ups and downs, but this is the healthiest and happiest I’ve been.

I’m sorry you are experiencing this. It is unfair. And sometimes soul crushing. You deserve better.

Domestic_Supply

I'm a transracial domestic adoptee (Latino raised by white family). But, I was raised in Los Angeles, so I'm part of the racial majority.

My adoptive dad and brothers (white adoptees themselves) are racist. I grew up hearing bashing Latino culture except for the food. Once I became an adult, I told my brothers to stop it, but they thought it was all a joke. So, I cut them out of my life. With my dad, you don't dare to speak out against him unless you want to be physically assaulted. So, I just cut him out of my life without saying anything to him.

carmitch

grew up in a white household that was very racist towards asians and hispanics. they likely knew i had hispanic roots when they adopted me but decided to completely erase that and constantly said how much i looked like them (my aunt was my adopter but in my opinion i look nothing like her.) 

when i was like 13 they forced me to talk to my biological sister, and she wanted to know who her bio father was so i took a DNA test for her. it's how i found out im hispanic. 

instantly the racism and comments about my food, language, intelligence, hygiene ramped up to a maximum.

  
honestly though their homophobia is significantly worse so i really didnt even pay any of the racism attention. i have cut all of them out of my life, regardless.

1onesomesou1

It’s so incredibly frustrating. Years of therapy helped me.

Valuable-Ad9577

Try to understand the mentality.

They look at Asians the same way many white Americans do - as lesser people.  They don't look at you as "those people", instead you are different.  You are "one of the good ones".

Having an Asian child doesn't mean they care about Asians.  They *saved* you from them.

scottiethegoonie

Hello! Me too! 

I was their little china doll. Porcelain doll... Whatever. They died my hair blonde and kept me out of the sun so I didn't get freckles. Made me dance in front of people ala Shirley Temple. 

I'm 42 and everyone thinks I'm white. Well... Everyone who doesn't ask. Not white, just adopted by some racists and then expected to look like the porcelain baby doll they named be after. 

I have no words of encouragement, except that I'm a teacher in a very diverse school district. All my students know I'm not white, but my peers dont. I use this superpower when I need to. 😉

Disastrous-Talk-6088

you’re cooler about it than most would be; I’d have cursed that MF out &amp; been ready to box it out…

FreeLarry74

God I know this feeling well!
My mom is great and does her best but my dad is ignorant and tactless…
I honestly don’t fuckin know and I don’t have an answer. It’s just nice to know I’m not alone in a white family with little to no other poc around.

Oofsmcgoofs

I'm also a transracial adoptee (african/indigenous) in a white family in a small town. When my parents announced their adoption plans many relatives (like grandparents, cousins, aunts/uncles, etc) cut communication with my parents since they were hella racist. That's the same reason my mom stopped going to church. 

When it came to microaggressions I'd call them out on the spot and educate them. Like I remember my dad complaining about immigrants taking all the jobs a decade ago and I said "wasn't your great grandfather an immigrant from england? you're not indigenous so you're just a 4th generation immigrant. also they're picking immigrants over you since you won't get deported if you quit your job". Obviously this started small fights but I didn't care and I tried to remember that their anger over being called out for racism isn't my problem to fix. I can educate them but I can't change their feelings. 

Unfortunately, my siblings (bio kids of my adoptive parents) never really changed so I cut them out of my life when I was around 17 and directly told them it was because of their racism. My parents changed and now we have a great relationship. Losing relationships can suck but questioning if someone you love thinks poorly of you for your race sucks a lot more :/

iamsosleepyhelpme

The simple answer is... I don't. They never felt much like mine anyway so it was easy to let some of them and their ignorant beliefs go. Now I only interact and engage with APs minimally and if we do a holiday, I set myself a time limit and repeat over and over in my head "it is not my job to educate ignorant white ppl. If they wanted to be less racist or offensive or micro aggressive, they would". I'm not my true self around APs, I save that for ppl who truly see me. And I put on a sacrifice of love for a couple hours before I go be around ppl who are like me and make me feel safe.

PositiveZucchini4

I don’t. Black trans racial adoptee here (adoptive parents are Caucasian). Dad doesn’t talk about or acknowledges race (Silicon Valley techie,voted for Trump thrice). I just don’t talk about race with him anymore. He genuinely doesn’t listen with an open mind,and is always on his work hard/push through BS despite raising two black children. My mom is absolutely way more receptive and gets it to an extent. I do not wish my upbringing or family dynamics on anyone at all. To complicate matters my step mom (also a Trumper) has said some dicey stuff in regards to redlining after I brought it up years ago. I’ve considered going no contact with my dad and step mom because of this as I’ve realized I’m in a different stage of life of them. And I’ve learned that love should never come with conditions. 

TLDR I don’t talk about race because neither of them (dad and step mom) can actually have a nuanced conversation without them feeling guilty or triggering them. It’s very weird but it is what it is.

Rencon_The_Gaymer


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so glad to see people supporting someone going through a crisis, mental health is not something to be trifled with.  I wish world governments would fund it better though, so many people could be helped who end up on the street or (arguably) worse as a result

HaggisLad

Geez, I'm glad she's doing better but just heart breaking that she found herself going through all of this.

TrustyWorthyJudas

Damn, I expected that to go south so many different ways, but holy shit, for once, the system worked and the human worked hard and made some incredible progress.

God, I needed to read that. I might just turn off the internet now so I can end on a high.

Fuckin' A, OOP, I salute you.

deathboyuk

Mental health is something needed to take seriously and if not, it could turn things worse. I'm happy to hear that OP and her daughter is doing well but it's still heartbreaking to what she has been through.


I wish her for the best.

peter095837

You can tell she really loves her daughter. This wasn’t someone who just didn’t want the responsibility, she was really struggling and felt her child would be better off somewhere else. She sincerely had her child’s interest at heart and loved her enough to give her to someone else. That had to be the most difficult decision of her life. Thankfully, she got the help she needed and this placement wasn’t permanent. She sounds like a wonderful mom who has been thru a lot. What a great update. Glad they are both happy and healthy 

WhatevUsayStnCldStvA

I feel so bad for this mother. Being a single parent is so difficult and that's true even without mental health struggles. The lack of family support is also so tough. I don't want to imagine being the only person in someone's life they can rely on when you don't have anyone like that in your own life.

Separately, I feel guilty for inwardly giggling at the irony of someone giving birth to a child they didn't want to keep and naming them "heaven" backward.

the-magnificunt

Generational trauma is so hard to break. Good on OOP for doing the hard work.

I'm a parent. I was emotionally wrecked two paragraphs in and was tearing up by the end. So happy for OOP and hope she continues to get the support she needs to grow past her trauma.

Jjustingraham

parents like her are why I want to be a foster parent when I can-it’s evident throughout that she loves and cares for her daughter and recognized that she wasn’t the best for her daughter, and with help, they were able to reunify

poisonous-venomous

grumblebeardo13

I’ve been through a PHP program twice. It saved my life both times. I’m so glad that OOP found success with hers too. 

It's refreshing when the system \*doesn't\* horrifically fail those it's designed to help.    


And it's sad when "It's hard, but I'm making it one day at a time" counts as a major victory in our system.

HobbitGuy1420

As a modern society, we really fucking suck so much for creating a culture that makes it acceptable to force women to have kids they’re not ready for or don’t want.

coffeeobsessee

I saw the title and thought this was about that couple that wanted to ship the kid off because "being parents wasn't their lifestyle". Came in with my pitchfork ready unnecessarily 


I'm glad she's doing better and got her daughter back, and that her child was placed with good people during those dark times

LiraelNix

You hear so many nightmare stories about the foster care system, but tbh this is what you wanna see right?

OneCoolRoom

Good. This is an example of the system working the way it’s supposed to. Mom needed help and baby was able to be taken care of while mom got that help.

SleepyxDormouse

I'm stopping reddit for today. I want to keep that warm happy feeling, so I'm not gonna read anything else.

thebluewitch

Major props to this mom -- considering giving away a dearly loved child for the child's health and safety is truly unselfish. I'm glad it didn't come to that.

Butterdrake333

It is really good to see that sometimes the foster care system actually works, and works *well*. A temporary foster placement sounded like it was exactly the right thing here, and given that the foster mom still visits, it sounds like the foster family she was placed with really tried to help give that kid stability. And OP is now at a place where she's capable of being the mother that little girl needs.

This is what the foster care program *could* be. It's what it *should* be. I really don't understand why we as a society don't invest more money into programs like this given the absolutely *enormous* difference they make in the lives of children. Saving even one child from trauma seems *so* much more important than cutting taxes for people who have more money than they can spend in five lifetimes, and yet our voting pattern suggests we consistently value the latter over the former.

Edit: And I don't just mean that it's morally and ethically more important, although it is that. Preventing childhood trauma makes a *huge* difference to a society and so even on a completely pragmatic level it makes sense to spend more on child welfare of all kinds. So many negative adult behaviors correlate with childhood trauma (especially childhood abuse), particularly participating in crime and/or domestic abuse. According to the CDC, [97% of the prison population suffered childhood trauma, as compared to 60% of the population at large](https://www.cbsnews.com/sanfrancisco/news/childhood-trauma-may-be-key-to-rehabilitating-reintegrating-prison-inmates-into-society/). Reducing childhood trauma will help reduce crime and violence overall. 

Of course, that CDC statistic also tells us that the vast majority of victims *don't* end up engaging in crime - but that doesn't mean they aren't suffering; crime isn't the only issue here, it's just among the easiest to measure. All adults who've gone through childhood trauma need and deserve support - and in the US, those adults are ***the majority of the population*** - that is *appalling*, how are we not treating this as a national crisis and talking about it constantly!? Again, *pragmatically*, victims of childhood trauma at *minimum* need mental health care, which requires money and time, and they don't just need it once - trauma can resurface at any time, and dealing with it may well take a substantial time commitment. And that's not all; childhood trauma is a risk factor for everything from addiction to heart disease. It is a "[risk factor for nearly all behavioral health and substance use disorders](https://www.samhsa.gov/child-trauma/understanding-child-trauma)." That's lost productivity, that's a burden on the health care system, a further burden on the mental health system that is already in crisis, and so on and on. So it seems to me that even strictly *economically* this issue is a legit national crisis. 

To be clear, I think we need to address this regardless of whether it's an economic issue or not, because that's the right thing to do. But people who disagree tend to couch their argument in economic terms, and I simply don't think it holds up - unless you are profiting in some way from the proliferating number of private prisons. Then you have a vested economic interest in working *against* measures to reduce crime or recidivism. More inmates = more profits, after all.   

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

FeuerroteZora

One of the take always from this is to never be pressured in to having a baby. People don’t always help you when you’re in distress. They will tell you to suck it up and deal with it. Glad they’re doing better.

Moemoe5

Breaking the cycle is tough but it sure looks like OP is pulling it off. Part of me hopes her daughter can read this post some day and know just how much her mom loves her and fought for her.

mlem_scheme

Heartbreaking post with heartwarming update; thanks! Plz consider removing the daughter's name from the update, seems like her real name was included unintentionally.

Expert_Slip7543

relevant in a way but this is why foster care needs to be about reunification. too many foster parents are using foster care as a way of adoption when the whole point in a majority of cases is to give the parent that chance to get back on their feet and do better *for* their children.

ImThatMelanin

I'm so incredibly glad to see such a genuinely positive update! And it's wonderful to read a story about the system *working* for once!

It's honestly horrifying that we've built a society where people either have familial support or none. In a perfect world, OOP would never have been in a position to deal with the loss of her mother, PPD, AND the care of a small child entirely on her own. It shouldn't have needed to get to the point of serious self harm before someone stepped in and provided much needed support for OOP and her baby.

princessluni

Being a single mom is very difficult. And when the mom has mental health issues and PPD? It's horrible. Govts around the world should provide post delivery baby and mom care for atleast a few months free of cost or for nominal amount.

Luffytheeternalking

This is what child protective services should do. This is exactly the kind of situation where a family desperately needs help, even if that looks like separation and then working at reconciliation, sometimes that is quite necessary. So many parents are terrified of child services ripping apart their families that they don't ask for help.

mnbvcdo

&gt;As a baby, my mom told me I was very healthy, loving, well adjusted and and hit all my milestones. I loved my stuffed animals, called them my "Friendies". I loved affection and cuddling. I loved music and dancing, if you say "happy feet", I would shuffle my feet really fast and tap my knees with my hands. I am sharing this because I am shocked at how much love and life I had to give and now I have none. Unfortunately, mom's mental health made it difficult to care for me and many times left me crying in the crib because she felt so disconnected. I know childhood memories get evaporated but I remember crying for my mom in my crib for several hours and raise my arms crying to her to pick me up but she would just shake her hand and leave me alone. I would scream myself hoarse and still feel that there is something wrong with my vocal chords today.

This is from a post on AITAH, from the "daughter's" point of view. The "Friendies" and "Happy Feet" rang a bell.

[AITA for not wanting any relationship with my mother because I was an unwanted child and she wanted to give me up to foster care?](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1ab61fm/aita_for_not_wanting_any_relationship_with_my/)

Edit: meant to add it was posted 4 days ago.

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